100 Ways to Survive SOLDIER
by Luddles
Summary: The funny, strange, and sometimes chaotic lives of the SOLDIER first class put into a hundred tiny stories. May involve camping disasters, fireballs, and princesses. Not to mention Sephiroth's hair.  No pairings


**Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII. I think you've all gathered that by now.**

**A/N: This is all kind of AUish because it just completely ignores the fact that Genesis and Sephiroth went nuts and all of these characters are dead. Whoops. Hope you like! **

**100 Ways to Survive Soldier**

1. Introduction:

Sephiroth was introduced to Genesis and Angeal just like the rest of the most promising SOLDIERS. The only difference was the loud, distinctly effeminate _squeal_ that echoed through the hallways five seconds later. Either someone had let the fangirls in or Genesis had a better falsetto than most people knew.

2. Love:

Zack was the youngest in the First Class by a good five years. How he ended up the first to fall in love was anyone's guess.

3. Light:

There were three ways to wake Genesis Rhapsodos up in the morning. The first was sitting on him, the second was a bucket of cold water, and the third was to open the curtains on a sunny day and let the light shine through. It was a pity there weren't many sunny days in Midgar, because the third method usually worked the best.

4. Dark:

No problem. Mako is like instant night vision.

5. Seeking Solace:

Whenever Sephiroth wanted to be alone and at peace, he just locked the rest of the First Class out of their shared penthouse apartment. Zack pouted, Genesis raged, and Angeal scolded him, but it was _so _worth it.

6. Break Away:

Genesis and Sephiroth said they wore their coats in order to break away from the uniformity of the rest of the SOLDIERs. Zack was quick to tell anyone and everyone that they only wore them to be flashy, especially Sephiroth, who just wanted to show off his chest.

7. Heaven:

When Zack was with Aerith, he thought he was in heaven. When Angeal came running in and interrupting five minutes later with an order to go out on mission, he was abruptly reminded that his own personal heaven was distinctly fragile.

8. Innocence:

Not usually possible to keep when you live with Genesis and his stock of thriller movies that are sometimes gorier than actual war.

9. Drive:

Angeal once tried to teach Zack how to drive. He never got in a car with Zack again.

10. Breathe Again:

Sephiroth did _not_ worry about Angeal and Genesis. He knew that they were perfectly capable of surviving the worst that could happen. Still, that didn't explain why he couldn't breathe again until he knew they had returned from Wutai safe and sound.

11. Memory:

Genesis knew Sephiroth had no good childhood memories. He just tried to make new ones, some of which were good and some of which the General would rather forget.

12. Insanity:

Zack had once thought that Angeal's training regimen for him was crazy. Then he was stuck with Sephiroth for a week while Angeal was out on a mission. _That_ had been insanity.

13. Misfortune:

Zack wasn't sure what poem Genesis was quoting, but it had the word 'misfortune' in it so many times that he would have had a fortune if he had a dollar for every time the Commander said it.

14. Smile:

Genesis smiled like he was hiding something. Angeal smiled like he cared so much, but was still a little too gruff to say so. Zack smiled and laughed at the same time, always. Sephiroth only smiled when he was going in for the kill.

15. Silence:

"Silence? What's that?"

"Sephiroth, we're quiet _sometimes_!"

"Genesis, you're even noisy in your _sleep_!"

16. Questioning:

Sephiroth wasn't sure if it was his roommates, his job, or his father that was having him questioning his sanity.

17. Blood:

Before SOLDIER, Genesis had been squeamish around blood. He even passed out when Angeal got that really bad cut on his arm. Now… he doesn't really care.

18. Rainbow:

If there was one thing that the rest of the Firsts were jealous of about Zack, it was that his love life was all sunshine and rainbows.

19. Gray:

"No, Zack, my hair is _not_ gray, it's _silver_."

20. Fortitude:

It took a lot of things to get into the First Class of SOLDIER. Physical strength was a definite requirement, but to get along with the rest of the Firsts, mental fortitude of the umpteenth degree was a complete necessity.

21. Vacation:

When Rufus ShinRa decided to give SOLDIER a two-day vacation, Angeal headed out camping and dragged the rest of the Firsts with him. After two days of being bitten by bugs, fending off a bear that attacked the tent because Zack left food open, thunderstorms, ninety-degree weather with 100% humidity, Genesis crawling into his sleeping bag during the cold nights, and a certain… incident involving fishing line and very long hair, Sephiroth made a mental note _never_ to let Angeal convince him into going camping again.

22. Mother Nature:

During a week of blizzard followed by hailstorms followed by freezing rain, Zack made the remark that, "Mother Nature just doesn't like Modeohiem, does she?"

23. Cat:

Genesis liked cats. He stretched like one (and scratched like one, if provoked enough) as well.

24. No Time:

"Had you two not noticed, we are in the middle of a _war_! It's no time to be playing backgammon!"

"Sorry, 'Geal, I told them to cut it out, but they just wouldn't listen."

25. Trouble Lurking:

Between Genesis deciding it was really fun to prank everyone in sight, Sephiroth in one of his more horrid moods, and Zack tackle-hugging him on sight, Angeal felt as though there was trouble lurking around every corner.

26. Tears:

Sephiroth had decided a long time ago that tears were for the weak. It was only when he saw Angeal, one of the strongest people he knew, crying his heart out that he realized he had been truly, horribly wrong.

27. Foreign:

"Seph, you just looked at me like I spoke a foreign language."

"Well, I _thought_ you said 'Angeal has a date this Friday', but that can't be it… can it?"

28. Sorrow:

For Genesis, true sorrow was when Sephiroth ate all of the peanut butter when he wanted to put some on his ice cream. For Sephiroth, true sorrow was watching Genesis ruin perfectly good ice cream with a condiment better suited to sandwiches.

29. Happiness:

Happiness, Angeal though, was being curled up on the couch with a good book and his favorite oversized puppy.

30. Under the Rain:

Genesis stomped into the room, soaked to his skin and probably deeper, shook his wet hair out of his face dramatically, and growled, "Angeal Hewley, where did you put the umbrella and why didn't you bring it to me when I _told_ you I was stuck in the rain?"

31. Flowers:

Sometimes, Zack brought flowers that Aerith had given him and put them on the kitchen table. Angeal laughed and mused about how strange it was that Zack's girlfriend gave her boyfriend flowers.

32. Night:

There were nights when Genesis woke up at three in the morning, ran into Sephiroth's room, and leapt onto the General with all his might, just because he _could_ (and he wanted a hug).

33. Expectations:

It sometimes seemed like the entire world had expectations for Sephiroth. At first, he treated Angeal and Genesis like they had the same expectations, until Genesis told him that yes, he'd had them, but Sephiroth exceeded them by so much, he couldn't even remember what they were.

34. Stars:

"You know what I miss about Gongaga? Being able to look up through the trees and actually see stars."

35. Hold My Hand:

Everyone said that the first mako shot hurt like nothing else. It was rumored to be excruciating, and that, plus the fact that Zack _already_ didn't like needles made him reach for something, anything to hold onto. He found Angeal's hand.

36. Precious Treasure:

Sephiroth was never telling anyone in the world that his most precious treasure was a small, weathered photograph of three teenage boys, one of whom was him.

37. Eyes:

"Yo, Seph, why are your eyes green, not blue like everyone else's?"

"Zack Fair, do _not_ call me 'Seph'!"

"…But Genesis does…"

38. Abandoned:

Zack was sitting with his back against the wall, so dejected he looked like an abandoned puppy. Sephiroth whipped out his phone and called Angeal instantly.

39. Dreams:

"Last night, I had a dream that we were all at that Wutaian place down the road, but all the waiters had been switched out for the Turks and Reno gave us all food poisoning… then we all had to get out of there via the air vents, but either a chocobo or Cloud Strife was already stuck in them."

"That is the _last_ time I let you eat pizza before bed, Zack."

40. Rated:

His observation of, "Sephiroth, did you know you were rated the sexiest man in Midgar?" was met with a groan and a sound that was probably Sephiroth smacking himself in the forehead.

41. Teamwork:

"That's it, guys! Teamwork!"

"Zack, why does it take all four of you to change the lightbulb?"

"That, Cloudy, would be because Genesis keeps messing with the wires and creating giant fireballs."

42. Standing Still:

"I hear Sephiroth can run so fast that it makes it seem like everyone else is standing still."

Genesis rolled his eyes at the rumor. "Cadets are such idiots."

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow. "Who says I can't?"

"Race you home."

"You're on."

43. Dying:

When Genesis claimed he was dying, he usually just had a mild headache. It had terrified Sephiroth the first time the Commander said it, but now, he just smacked him a little.

44. Two Roads:

There were two roads to becoming First Class. Zack had taken the one that involved much less genetic modifications, and Sephiroth really wished he'd had a choice to take the same.

45. Illusion:

Zack once asked if mako could be used to create illusions. It could, but Angeal told him it couldn't so he wouldn't use it to create an illusion of himself sleeping in bed while he was really sneaking out to be with Aerith.

46. Family:

Genesis had parents he never spoke to. Angeal had a mother who wrote him regularly. Zack had run away from his parents, but he eventually started sending them letters again. Sephiroth wondered what it was like to have a family.

47. Creation:

Last time Zack claimed to have created something truly awesome, it was a sandwich with half the refrigerator stacked on top of it. Sephiroth did not want anything to do with that or any further creations.

48. Childhood:

Sephiroth had never seen a Disney movie, to which Zack claimed that he must have had a deprived childhood. Sephiroth shot him a wry smile and replied that he indeed did.

49. Stripes:

Angeal didn't even notice the stripes Genesis had painted on the back of his shirt until he heard the 3rds he passed laughing.

50. Breaking the Rules:

"Isn't that… like breaking the rules?" Zack once asked Tseng.

"I'm a Turk. There aren't any rules to break."

Zack now knew why Genesis didn't like Turks. He was jealous.

51. Sport:

Genesis woke to repeated thumping noises outside the door. He stuck his head out the window to yell at whoever was making the noise, but just laughed when he realized it was Zack and Angeal playing basketball at midnight.

52. Deep in Thought:

Zack pouted as he flopped onto the couch, displaying an ugly black eye. "Never bother Sephiroth when he's thinking."

53. Keeping a Secret:

"I don't think Zack is hiding anything from you, Angeal."

"Well that's what you think! I know the puppy is keeping secrets!"

When Angeal found out a month later that Zack had a girlfriend, the first thing he did was find Genesis and shout, "I TOLD YOU SO!"

54. Tower:

Sephiroth sometimes wondered why anyone would _want_ to be a hero. It was harder than it deserved to be. He thought Zack was a little crazy. Then again, Zack probably just wanted to rescue beautiful damsels locked in towers.

55. Waiting:

One of the worst things Zack could ever think of was waiting for something for a very long time. Angeal called him impatient, and he was probably right.

56. Danger Ahead:

The smell of smoke was thick in the air, along with the distinct acrid tang of something burning to a crisp. Angeal walked into the kitchen, one hand on the fire extinguisher because he knew that with Zack cooking, there was certainly danger ahead.

57. Sacrifice:

"Go away or I'll smite you all with fire and brimstone!"

"Genesis, getting up five minutes early isn't _that_ much of a sacrifice…"

"Well, 'Geal, he did say he needed his beauty sleep."

58. Kick in the Head:

Every time. Every _single_ time. Why was it that whenever Genesis tried to give Angeal's puppy the kick in the head he deserved, _he_ was the one who was scolded?

59. No Way Out:

Once you got to First Class, there was basically no way out of SOLDIER. Sephiroth wasn't really perturbed by that, but when he considered Genesis, Angeal, and especially Zack, all of whom may have very well wanted to leave the army and settle down with a family, he thought perhaps he should have been.

60. Rejection:

Sephiroth stared blankly at the girl in front of him. She was a secretary or something… claiming she had feelings for her. He shot a pleading glance at Genesis. How was he supposed to reject someone who seemed like a perfectly nice girl and actually didn't belong to his fan club!

61. Fairy Tale:

Genesis liked the idea of fairy tales, but he even had to admit he didn't believe in them the way the puppy seemed to. With the way Zack went on about love at first sight, you'd think Aerith was a princess, not a girl who sold flowers.

62. Magic:

According to the rules, materia and other such magic was not supposed to be used for purposes "outside of the fields of combat or research" and especially not for "personal use in matters unrelated to ShinRa company". Genesis never read the rules.

63. Do Not Disturb

Once, when Sephiroth was in a particularly bad mood and had a large stack of paperwork to get to, Genesis put a sign on his door that read, "Do Not Disturb (Under Penalty of Death)".

64. Multitask:

If there was one thing Angeal could not do, it was multitask. He couldn't understand how girls did it so easily! All he knew was that it was not physically possible for him to answer _all _of Zack's questions while simultaneously watering the potted plants on his windowsill.

65. Horror:

Genesis could watch the goriest movies anyone was non-squeamish enough to make. He actually enjoyed them. He could even eat during them without batting an eyelash. But add in one paranormal situation, and Genesis was clutching the nearest person in fright during the entire horror flick. Genesis was terrified of ghosts.

66. Traps:

"It's a trap, Zack. Do not stick your hand in it."

"Ow!"

"I told you so."

67. Playing the Melody:

Sephiroth heard Genesis sing once. The commander had quite a pleasant voice and he was singing a song that Sephiroth actually knew. He almost joined in, but recalled quickly enough that he couldn't carry a tune to save his life.

68. Hero:

Zack wanted to be a hero, which Lazard said was ridiculous. Zack knew it wasn't impossible: after all, Sephiroth did it.

69. Annoyance

95.6% of the time, Sephiroth thought Genesis was merely an annoyance who always chased him around, challenged him to fights, messed up everything he neatly organized in a somewhat OCD manner, and played with his hair when he didn't want to. The rest of the time, when Genesis was quiet, not moving, and not pulling ridiculous pranks on anyone (A.K.A. asleep and not talking in his sleep), Sephiroth got an uncontrollable urge to curl up next to him that was just as annoying as everything else Genesis did.

70. 67%

"Oh, crap! Zack! Are you okay!"

"I'm 67% sure you may have _actually_ knocked the wind out of me. Congrats, Spiky!"

71. Obsession:

Angeal and Sephiroth were both starting to think that Genesis's obsession with LOVELESS was becoming a little unhealthy. When he was able to recite the entire poem in under thirty seconds, Sephiroth smacked him in the face and threatened to cart him off to the psych ward if he did it again.

72. Mischief Managed:

"Mischief managed," Zack purred as he successfully re-wired Genesis's iPod to loudly blast a playlist of the most embarrassing songs on the redhead's playlist every five minutes.

Sephiroth looked up over the rim of his glasses. "That's from that book about wizards, right?"

"Oh… I was just celebrating my triumph… I don't know about any wizards."

73. I Can't:

"Genesis, you _have_ to get up!"

"I can't! It's before seven! Give me thirty minutes!"

"Genesis, the building is on _fire_."

74. Are You Challenging Me?

With Zack and Genesis around, the answer was always 'yes'.

75. Mirror:

Zack swore Genesis spent more time than normal checking himself out in the mirror that morning. Sephiroth told him Genesis got a new earring, and it all made sense.

76. Broken Pieces:

Zack and Sephiroth just stared at the broken pieces of the vase laying scattered all over the living room floor, deciding never to have an impromptu wrestling match in middle of the apartment again.

77. Test:

When Zack took the examination to get into SOLDIER, he was a nervous wreck. He always did poorly on tests; they made him anxious and unable to concentrate. Only Angeal could calm down the young cadet, reassuring him that if Genesis managed to get into SOLDIER (being the scrawny twig he was at the time), so could he.

78. Drink:

Even though Mako prevented the absorption of alcohol into the bloodstream quite effectively, Angeal was firmly against letting Zack drink until he was of legal age.

79. Starvation:

The fridge emptied out quickly with four men living in one apartment. Genesis didn't like grocery shopping, so he always just laid on the couch and wailed about how he was dying of starvation until someone else did it for him.

80. Words:

Words could not describe the way the Firsts looked when they fought each other. It was like they were out for the kill, but if one of them was even scratched, all three others were there with apologies before you could blink.

81. Pen and Paper:

Sephiroth didn't like reading mission briefings on the computer. He forced all his subordinates to write on plain old pen and paper, even though Zack's handwriting looked like a cat ran across the page.

82. Can You Hear Me?

Zack, being more than a little ADHD, often locked himself out of the apartment. When Genesis finally let him in, his first question was, "can you even _hear_ me out there?"

"No, silly puppy, I had music turned on."

83. Heal:

The nice thing about mako was that it healed basically everything. From paper cuts to broken bones, it always worked. But, as Zack often claimed, that didn't make it hurt less.

84. Out Cold:

Sephiroth had a strong aversion to sleeping where anyone could see him, so coming into the room and finding him out cold on the couch made Genesis laugh and dash for the camera.

85. Spiral:

"I'm pretty sure he's spiraling into insanity as we speak."

"…all I did was borrow LOVELESS."

86. Seeing Red:

Angeal was normally quite even-tempered, until the day a number of Seconds decided to bully his newly appointed apprentice. Zack never let him live it down.

87. Food:

"Zack… how do you _eat_ so much? I swear, it's like you never stop!"

88. Pain:

Genesis was sadistic in his own right. He liked seeing the faces Sephiroth made when he pulled the General's hair, whether he was actually in pain or not.

89. Through the Fire:

They only went to a circus once. "I don't understand why anyone would want to jump through a ring of fire," Sephiroth said soon after it started.

"It's quite fun, Seph, you should try it."

90. Triangle:

It was Zack who first realized that love triangles aren't actually triangular, because they usually consist of two people who _don't_ like each other. Genesis quoted some Shakespeare that no one explained, then rolled his eyes and told them to look up Twelfth Night.

91. Drowning:

When they went to Costa Del Sol once, Zack remarked that it was a wonder Sephiroth didn't drown with all that hair he has weighing him down.

92. All That I Have:

"You know, in reality, all the fame and recognition that comes with being SOLDIER elite isn't tangible. All that I really have is you guys."

It was possibly the sweetest thing that ever came out of Sephiroth's mouth.

93. Give Up:

During the first week Zack was dating Aerith, Angeal finally gave up on telling his protégé to pay attention.

94. Last Hope:

Note: bubblegum and Sephiroth's hair do not mix.

"Angeal had better get back here with that peanut butter soon. It's kind of our last hope."

95. Advertisement:

Sephiroth kind of hated the advertisements for SOLDIER. He thought they _had_ to be photoshopped, because he did _not_ look that scary.

96. In The Storm:

Right when they decided to go on vacation, a hurricane hit the coast. The SOLDIERS never quite realized how much they hated natural disasters until he realized storms were probably the only things more powerful than they were.

97. Safety First:

Zack just grimaced when Angeal tossed him the helmet as soon as he got on his motorcycle.

98. Puzzle:

Each of his companions was like a puzzle, Angeal realized. Sephiroth was a riddle in and of himself, something that few knew the answer to and fewer could deduce on their own. Genesis was like a jigsaw puzzle; he seemed strange and confusing until you put him together. Zack was probably a Rubiks cube: it was colorful and very distracting.

99. Solitude:

None of the Firsts could really understand why Sephiroth actually _liked_ solitude.

100. Relaxation:

To the Firsts, relaxation was any time they got the wonderful call from Lazard saying that they weren't needed to come into the office today.


End file.
